Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Identifying and Managing Triggers

  1. What are my triggers?
  2. Xmas. 
  3. My family. 
  4. Not getting phone calls back from friends and family immediately.
  5. What emotions do I feel when I think of these triggers?
  6. Xmas makes me feel sad, angry and a sense of loss. All I remember about xmas is the arguments we used to have as a family and the total and utter lack of care that my parents had about the day. My parents used to give gifts that were not a reflection of their understanding of us, some years they gave the promis of a gift, but then we never got the gift. So it makes me feel ashamed to give gifts incase people don't think they are good enough .Really, it was like a heightened realisation that we were not a real family. My parents didn't know how to love, so when I think about xmas, I think about how my parents were selfish and didn't think about us. 
  7. My family makes me angry. I feel totally and utterly jipped by them. I feel a real sense of resentment, loss, anger and shame. I was always ashamed to be a part of my family. I always knew deep down that they, my parents, were fucking hopeless and that hurt a lot, especially as I got older and watched my friends family care more about their children than their own needs. But in the case of my parents it was always about them. We were neglected. That's not okay. 
  8. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes when people don't return my calls or answer their phone when I ring, I feel rejected. It gets progressively worse the longer it takes. I want to feel wanted and that sense of rejection is strong. 
  9. How do I react emotionally to these triggers?
  10. At xmas time, I want to hide from everyone, because I'm scared that someone is going to have a fight or someone is going to feel awkward at gift giving time about something they received. I don't want to be around families because I feel embarrassed about my family. People like to ask you what you are doing on xmas day, and I would rather not talk about my past. I prefer to hide away from the world and from people on that day so I don't have to confront my feelings of loss, shame and anger. I am also jealous of people who had a good experience. I ask those close to me if I can avoid a meal, avoid a situation, or just 'stay in the hotel' so as not to have to sit around and feel like I want to cry.
  11. When I talk to my family I get so angry. I want to throw my phone or I want to yell at them. I feel like avoiding others because I feel like I will become confrontational. I feel like being mean and lashing out. Then I eat for comfort. 
  12. When people don't call me back. I keep calling. and calling. and calling. Until they answer. Sometimes, if Gemma doesn't return my calls for days on end, I cry, I feel rejected, and then I pack a sad and crawl in to bed and cry. If my sister answers and then can't talk I get frustrated. My expectations are that if someone answers, they are ready to talk. When people don't answer or call back, I start to think that no one loves or cares about me and start deleting people off facebook, deleting photos and removing reminders of people that I start to convince myself no longer care about me. 
The next step for me is learning how to manage my emotions when these triggers appear.

Watch this space. Need a visit to the therapist!